The Bed-Fight Script Manual: For a Selfishly Caring Relationship

The Prelude

“Listen, you heard the shrink. From now on, we’re sticking to the script; otherwise, this relationship is going absolutely nowhere." “This is the last time we throw knives at each other, okay?" she mourned with a doubtful tone.

“Here’s the conflict resolution script”:

Scenario A

If he flies into a rage because she asked him to lower the toilet lid, use this communication template:

Her: “Honey, I’m sorry for asking you every single time. I never meant to wound your fragile male ego. Is it humanly possible to lower the toilet seat just once a week?"

Him (He must answer): “I’m sorry for my complete thoughtlessness, my love. I can only process one primitive task at a time, and I always completely forget the toilet exists."

Him (Continued): “Once a week seems a bit ambitious, though. Let’s try once a month, and then we’ll evaluate our progress."

Scenario B

If she gets mad because he weaponized the accelerator on the drive home due to some “flirty" incidents during dinner, use this de-escalation script:

Him: “Dear, I know you like to be social, but my deep-seated insecurities transcend my narrow mind. Seeing you stand within breathing distance of other men is simply intolerable. That’s why I play Russian roulette with our lives in the highway tunnel."

Her (She listens with rapt attention and replies): “Oh honey, next time I’ll only speak to those whose physical appearance poses absolutely no threat to you, ensuring you always feel superior."

Her (Continued): “I’ll try to avoid letting any attractive person approach me, but I’ll comfort myself knowing that if they do, you're right there, safeguarding my eager desire to flirt without actually doing it."

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