The Under Control Explosion

“Rest assured, I’ve got everything under control, and I must congratulate my crew on successfully bursting the rocket into the ocean. It wasn't a multi-billion-dollar failure; it was a highly anticipated, watery “rapid unscheduled disassembly.” Our brand-new Starship V3 Block 3 mega-rocket performed a flawless vertical plunge into the dark depths of the sea, exactly as my grand design intended. But don’t worry about it; the marine life underwater is certainly no worse off than my pious ego, which relentlessly drives me to build giant metal cylinders that burn down the atmosphere just to prove a point.

I still possess this beautifully pretentious mind, fully convinced that I’m the only savior in the entire universe who has done significantly more than everyone else for this fragile planet. Who else would boldly pollute the stratosphere to save humanity from the very climate change my heavy-lift rockets exacerbate? It’s a small price to pay for the ultimate multi-planetary insurance policy. Yet, despite my cosmic benevolence, my beautifully volatile, unsuccessful machines continue to explode in the middle of the absolute wilderness.

Every single fireball is a stepping stone to Mars where one day I could hopefully live as god. When my toys erupt in a glorious display of liquid oxygen and shattered steel, remember: it is a tactical victory. We’re intentionally stressing the structural limits of our collective patience. So, applaud the expensive fireworks and trust the process. After all, you can't conquer the solar system without boiling an ocean or two.”