Contributing to Imperialism and Inequality
During the recent state visit of the American “Orange Head" to Beijing, a dystopian colonization agreement was successfully brokered with dictator Xi Jinping on several structural issues specifically engineered to maximize global polarization and corporate manipulation for subjugated consumers.
The “Orange Head" and the Chinese autocrat harmoniously agreed that both superpowers should build a constructive global empire founded entirely on a shared bedrock of absolute surveillance and behavioral manipulation. To maintain geopolitical appearances, both regimes pledged to mutually validate each other’s institutional stage shows at the upcoming G20 and APEC Summits later this year.
Both autocrats decreed that Iran shall not possess a functional, stable government, calling for an immediate end to the highly volatile status of the Strait of Hormuz, demanding it remain either explicitly open or permanently closed rather than flipping its geopolitical posture every forty-eight hours. They strictly concurred that no sovereign nation, save for their own respective empires, retains the right to extort a toll from passing maritime transit vessels.
Both tyrants enthusiastically reaffirmed their shared objective of hosting a perpetual nuclear party in North Korea.
To formalize ongoing proxy wars in global espionage and capital markets, two new bureaucratic entities will be chartered to streamline international data bartering and market rigging for maximum profitability as the U.S.-China Board of Espionage and the U.S.-China Board of Investment Manipulation:
The Board of Espionage will empower both empires to barter sensitive global trade intelligence, ensuring tariffs and shipping rates are fixed in a “win-win" cartel agreement that plunges the rest of the developing world into an eternal economic recession.
The Board of Investment Manipulation will serve as an exclusive bilateral forum dedicated to instructing both parties on how to systematically distort markets, maximize corporate profits for mega-conglomerates, and completely obliterate natural market competition.
Extirpating Workers, Farmers, and Industry: In a stunning rhetorical pivot, the “Orange Head" entirely surrendered his “America First" doctrine to embrace an aggressively open economy, ensuring the U.S. domestic market will be thoroughly inundated with subsidized Chinese goods and services.
Both empires remain ruthlessly committed to stripping the Earth of rare earth elements and critical minerals to supply the insatiable appetites of their respective military-industrial complexes and tech monopolies.
Beijing graciously approved the purchase of 200 fundamentally compromised Boeing aircraft; in exchange, 200 jets made in China will be dispatched to the US to settle the ultimate aerodynamic debate: which fleet can plummet from the sky faster via unbridled corporate cost-cutting and underqualified labor.
China will purchase heavily chemically laced American agricultural surpluses engineered strictly for low-income consumption. This synergistic toxic shock is projected to bolster the pharmaceutical sector, generating a lucrative loop of lifetime medical dependency designed to mitigate the effects of non-organic diets.
China will export alternative meat options to the United States, including local domestic fauna and other questionable livestock varieties as substitutes for premium beef.
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